I have been inspired again. A friend of mine (Laura) sent me an email today including a link to a blog she follows:
http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/06/550-surviving-church-as-single.html
Now I knew my experiences with this issue weren't unique, but I had no idea how rampant and cross-theological it was until I read this blog today. I was sure it was far worse in the LDS Church because that has been my life so far. My friends and I (most of us single) are actually happy, productive members of society. Don't get me wrong; we have all of us at one time or another wanted to share our lives with someone, but we do not cry ourselves to sleep each night praying for a mate. I realize for most of you, this is not groundbreaking news; however, there are those that will never believe this. They cannot imagine being unmarried and content with life. On that note, I would like to expound on the church issue we as single people face (specifically within the LDS Church).
When I turned 18, I became a Young Single Adult. Three years ago, I turned 30 (24 days after my baby brother turned 18). This meant I was now expected to socialize with children 12 years younger than me. Exactly one year later, I was expected to begin socializing with people my parents' age. Now I do not want to sound bitter about my singledom, because I am not. I am, however, a little disenfranchised with church socialization. How exactly am I, as a 33-year-old, single, professional, childless woman supposed to go from hanging out with Conner (my then 18-year-old brother) to socializing with a 45-year-old divorced, single mother of 4? Anyone else see the dilemma here? My mom does. My friends do. Ever wonder why there aren't more of us at church? Why are there so many less active church members between 25 and 35? I'll tell you.
1. It was really hard having one or two people (that's a high number) at church with whom I had anything in common. Most of my friends got married in 1997. Yes, I know the year because there were about 30 weddings in our stake, and every one of them was someone that had, at some point that year played, "tennis-volleyball" at my apartment complex.
2. Most of the people in my church "social" group are weird. Judgemental? Absolutely! Did you date and marry your spouse because they were weird and you liked it? If you did, then you're probably a little weird, too, so you didn't even notice. Well my friends and I are not weird. We have firm testimonies in our prospective faiths, and we know what Prada means and who Matthew McConaughey actually is. This does not mean we're snobs, but because we are single, we can (at times) buy expensive things and go to the movies without getting a sitter.
3. Most lessons/sermons are aimed at families: how to be a good parent or spouse and raise a family in Christ. We have families. They usually consist of five or six people. None of us are married to one another, although some of us may take on the "child" role from time to time. We are all single adults that don't always agree on everything, but we always agree on this one thing, it is rare to go through a church service and not feel a little left out. My sisters right now are Laura Harper, Katie Wilson, and Laura Sheppard. We only have one brother right now, Scott Ross, but he's moving (sad). We have some cousins that join us from time to time, too. We talk and laugh and fight and love each other. And it sure would be nice to go to Sunday School one day and talk about what that's like.
4. Asking other single people at church to go to a movie or plan a beach trip automatically means there's someone in the group you're in "love" with and trying to marry. I don't think I need to expound on this very much (see point #2).
I believe that if people have a complaint about something, they should have a solution as well. I have a solution from an LDS perspective. The age groups really need to be modified. I really feel it should be like Primary and Mutual. Following that logic, Primary is elementary-middle school; Mutual is middle-high school, so the Single Adult program(s) should follow the same sort of common denominator:
18-25 (this gives returning missionaries a chance to finish school with people still in their age range)
26-32 (I realize this seems short, but it's exactly the same as 12-18 and is itself a transition period from student to adult just like Mutual is from preteen to graduate)
32-40 (I still can't seem to be interested or attracted to anyone over the age of 40; superficial, possibly, but it's a reality among all of my friends)
41-52 (they get a little larger from here)
53 and up
I realize this seems like an awful lot of extra work for the Church to create new programs, but I can tell you from experience, that we would lose a lot less people if they have a foothold in a social group. You may say, "Well, our stake doesn't have enough active single adults to justify creating these types of programs." Perhaps you should think about why they aren't active rather than the fact they aren't active. Think about how much more tithing would be paid; fast offerings; callings filled [even though one thing we don't like to admit (because we're single and a little defensive about this) that we do have more free time. We protect it. We have to or we end up having those that would take advantage.] The point is wouldn't we all be happier knowing that our lost brothers and sisters weren't lost anymore. Isn't it worth the time and investment?
And please stop asking your single brothers and sisters when they're going to settle down and get married or why it hasn't happened when he or she would be such a great catch. I am a great catch; I know that. But maybe none of the bait out there is appetizing, and I'm really enjoying the swim.
